Maybe it’s me…

Okay, so maybe it’s me… I am sitting here wondering why I choose to spend time with the people that I do.  This applies to friends and “friends”.  I get… hmmm…. bored?  I don’t know if that is the right word, but right now it will work.  Clearly, I have been watching far too much t.v. and coupled with the fact that my heart has been broken more times than I care to admit, what I can admit is that I am a bit jaded.  I am highly skeptical and always wondering what people’s intentions are towards me.  This in turn makes me upset because I waste my time by spending time with people I ultimately don’t trust.

So, I have this cycle.  I meet a guy.  He’s sweet in the beginning. I get caught up.  He starts acting like an ass.  I try to be extra sweet.  He becomes a bigger ass.  I get resentful.  The end begins with me saying, “I’ve been thinking and to be honest I am not comfortable with this anymore.”  Some of them protest, others say okay and walk away.  If I am honest, the ones that protest are the ones who really make me upset.

I have this fairy tale idea of what I want love to be in my life.  Now, as naive as I can admit that I am, I am not stupid either.  I understand that all relationships has it’s ebbs and tides and that each relationship will require an ornate amount of work in order to make it work.  However, I seem to be the one doing the work.  What I can say is that I have been used to asking them to walk or having them walk on their own, when it happens it doesn’t even faze me anymore.  And that is what scares me the most.  I am sincerely terrified that I am so used to people walking that I won’t even let anyone get close anymore.

What I do know is that I am the common denominator in this cycle.  So, as much of as a cliche’ as it is, it is true… “it’s not you, it’s me.