Saying goodbye…

So just a few minutes ago I said goodbye to two dear friends of mine. It’s definitely a sad day. Both of these friendships added value to my life because it literally forced me to grow up through some tough lessons. My heart gotten broken along the way, my values and beliefs were tested, and my word was definitely on trial as to whether or not I would make good on it or not. These two relationships taught me more than what being a friend meant (and didn’t mean), but also what I was willing to do for the sake of friendship.

Society clearly throws around the word “friend” too loosely… we can have over 5,000 “friends” on Facebook and everyone we hang out with we introduce as “friend.” But what does the word “friend” really mean? Do we leave that to loose interpretation or do we find a working definition. I remember being taught the word friend meant you were willing to lay down your life for that person. If I use that definition was I really ready and willing to die for either of these individuals? I don’t know how to answer that right now. I know without a doubt that I loved both of these individuals dearly and to be honest losing one of them feels like a death, literally. I just don’t know if I would have given it all up for either one of them.

What this has taught me is that I will closely examine who I call friend and why. I have been incredibly blessed to know so many people love me. Hell, I have over 900 friends on Facebook! And yes Mother, I know about 85% of them personally. SB: What does that say about me? Anyway, very few of them I trust with my life. This experience has forced me to look in the mirror once again and this time I believe I am ready to make some changes. If I am transparent for a moment, a lot of my “friendships” are fueled out of my desire to be liked, loved, wanted, and my ever changing self-esteem.

I don’t know if I can recall a time when I have been completely happy with me. Yes, we all have flaws and areas in which we wish to be better at or in, but the goal is to be okay with yourself. I don’t know if I have ever been okay with me. In order to compensate I give too much, do too much, and take far too much! I figure that if you are around me or are close to me then you must love me. I never wanted to think of the possibility that maybe you just wanted what I was offering superficially to satiate my desire to be needed and wanted. Both of those friendships were out of a desire to be needed and wanted. I, however, wasn’t getting anything I needed or wanted.

So, my approach to my friendships and relationships, will ultimately start with the relationship I have with myself. As Samantha would state, “I have been in a relationship with myself for 29 years, and that is the one I have to work on.”