Meeting with board members with the MAAC

Meeting with board members with the MAAC

I’m emotional.

Yes, I am emotional. And when I become emotional I eat. This means that I am usually eating. I have thought about this concept of emotional eating before, but today it really hit me. I also realized that some of the changes in my emotions are subtle which means I don’t always associate my wanting food with an emotional change.

For me food is my drug. It is how I place salve on the hurt or the confusion or disappointment. Food for me is just as addictive as cocaine, alcohol, or heroin.

Since food is necessary for life, how do I detox from it? How do I begin eating only when I am hungry and for sustenance and not because I am feeling a certain way? Emotional eating has long been a coping mechanism for many people, I believe. I am not assuming that everyone who is overweight is depressed, angry, or hurt. However, it is something to look at. Becoming overweight means that you are eating more than your body needs to survive. Why would anyone do that just because? Is it really the love of food? If I am honest with myself, half of what I eat I could not eat again. It wasn’t that good. But it filled the void in the moment. In return it leaves with unwanted pounds as a constant reminder of the hurt or pain or boredom I initially felt. Guess what? The cycle continues.

Who said racism is dead?

Okay, so I came across an article this morning that should have shocked me. However, even in 2010 I am not the least bit surprised that these egregious acts of racism are still being perpetuated across our nation and on college campuses of all places! The question that I raise is what are we as a Black community doing? We sit back and far too many of us believe that because President Barack Obama (and please stop referring to him as Barack only!) was elected that race relations have gotten better. What planet do you live on?

Race relations are as tense as they have ever been. They are just a bit more masked and that is the scary part. You can’t be too sure what people’s intentions are anymore. At least in the 1950s you knew exactly what people thought. At least with the noose and the KKK hood I know how to deal with you.

http://education.change.org/blog/view/first_a_noose_now_a_kkk_hood_at_uc_san_diego

I’m so ready… now I have to figure out for what!

I had a very lively discussion yesterday with two good friends.  I shared with them what another friend shared with me about being a liar.  We were discussing how we are so quick to keep our word to others but we fail to keep our word to ourselves.  So, last night I decided I was ready.  The conundrum is I don’t know what I am ready for.

Oh, I have lots of dreams and big dreams at that.  But, I am not quite sure where, when, or what to start with.  I am destined and designed for greatness.  This is not a cliche’.  I do not believe that my big dreams are just for dreaming’s sake.  It’s time that I begin to act on them and stop being so deathly afraid of being successful in the process.  I see my dreams coming to life.  I also recognize that it has me all along that has stood in my way!  I have been the one who has been afraid of change.  I have been the one who has been afraid that others would expect even greater feats from me.  It has been me who has been afraid that I would begin to expect greatness out of myself.

So, starting now… all of my personal and professional goals and dreams I am going hard after!  There’s no stopping me now!!!

Maybe it’s me…

Okay, so maybe it’s me… I am sitting here wondering why I choose to spend time with the people that I do.  This applies to friends and “friends”.  I get… hmmm…. bored?  I don’t know if that is the right word, but right now it will work.  Clearly, I have been watching far too much t.v. and coupled with the fact that my heart has been broken more times than I care to admit, what I can admit is that I am a bit jaded.  I am highly skeptical and always wondering what people’s intentions are towards me.  This in turn makes me upset because I waste my time by spending time with people I ultimately don’t trust.

So, I have this cycle.  I meet a guy.  He’s sweet in the beginning. I get caught up.  He starts acting like an ass.  I try to be extra sweet.  He becomes a bigger ass.  I get resentful.  The end begins with me saying, “I’ve been thinking and to be honest I am not comfortable with this anymore.”  Some of them protest, others say okay and walk away.  If I am honest, the ones that protest are the ones who really make me upset.

I have this fairy tale idea of what I want love to be in my life.  Now, as naive as I can admit that I am, I am not stupid either.  I understand that all relationships has it’s ebbs and tides and that each relationship will require an ornate amount of work in order to make it work.  However, I seem to be the one doing the work.  What I can say is that I have been used to asking them to walk or having them walk on their own, when it happens it doesn’t even faze me anymore.  And that is what scares me the most.  I am sincerely terrified that I am so used to people walking that I won’t even let anyone get close anymore.

What I do know is that I am the common denominator in this cycle.  So, as much of as a cliche’ as it is, it is true… “it’s not you, it’s me.

Saying goodbye…

So just a few minutes ago I said goodbye to two dear friends of mine. It’s definitely a sad day. Both of these friendships added value to my life because it literally forced me to grow up through some tough lessons. My heart gotten broken along the way, my values and beliefs were tested, and my word was definitely on trial as to whether or not I would make good on it or not. These two relationships taught me more than what being a friend meant (and didn’t mean), but also what I was willing to do for the sake of friendship.

Society clearly throws around the word “friend” too loosely… we can have over 5,000 “friends” on Facebook and everyone we hang out with we introduce as “friend.” But what does the word “friend” really mean? Do we leave that to loose interpretation or do we find a working definition. I remember being taught the word friend meant you were willing to lay down your life for that person. If I use that definition was I really ready and willing to die for either of these individuals? I don’t know how to answer that right now. I know without a doubt that I loved both of these individuals dearly and to be honest losing one of them feels like a death, literally. I just don’t know if I would have given it all up for either one of them.

What this has taught me is that I will closely examine who I call friend and why. I have been incredibly blessed to know so many people love me. Hell, I have over 900 friends on Facebook! And yes Mother, I know about 85% of them personally. SB: What does that say about me? Anyway, very few of them I trust with my life. This experience has forced me to look in the mirror once again and this time I believe I am ready to make some changes. If I am transparent for a moment, a lot of my “friendships” are fueled out of my desire to be liked, loved, wanted, and my ever changing self-esteem.

I don’t know if I can recall a time when I have been completely happy with me. Yes, we all have flaws and areas in which we wish to be better at or in, but the goal is to be okay with yourself. I don’t know if I have ever been okay with me. In order to compensate I give too much, do too much, and take far too much! I figure that if you are around me or are close to me then you must love me. I never wanted to think of the possibility that maybe you just wanted what I was offering superficially to satiate my desire to be needed and wanted. Both of those friendships were out of a desire to be needed and wanted. I, however, wasn’t getting anything I needed or wanted.

So, my approach to my friendships and relationships, will ultimately start with the relationship I have with myself. As Samantha would state, “I have been in a relationship with myself for 29 years, and that is the one I have to work on.”

Getting Started

This is officially the last week of Pre-Service Orientation for our newest AmeriCorps class and whew is off to an interesting start!

As a former AmeriCorps member myself and as I enter into my third year as an staff member for an AmeriCorps program I am learning to get my members and myself a better foundation to start from. I have learned many lessons as a manager and it is my hope that this year I will be able to give my members the tools that they need in order to be more marketable in the workforce when they graduate. Being an AmeriCorps member offers many privileges if you are willing to take advantage of them. It my duty this year to show my members those advantages and help them build their capacity around them. How do I plan on doing this? Homework!

Yes, homework. One, we are a school-based AmeriCorps program so homework is something members are constantly around. Secondly, it is important that members take the work that we do seriously and understand how they fit into the larger puzzle of National Service. Lastly, it is imperative that members understand that they must start preparing for the future now and that it is non-negotiable in whether or not service now becomes a part of their lives.

We are part of a different generation that saw our parents just go to work and just get by with what they made. With the economy the way that it is and with a new Administration that values the importance of service, corporations and community based businesses are looking for employees who are willing to get their hands dirty and find ways to make their voice heard in the surrounding community.

Answering the call to service

As a young nonprofit professional, answering the call should be easy. But alas it is not. I have found that answering the call has proven to be somewhat complicated. Shifting through the variety of issues and causes to join can be a daunting task if you are like me.  I find myself wanting to help the whole world and not knowing always where to start.  In tribute to Michael Jackson maybe I should “start with the man in the mirror.”

Starting with myself I have ascertained that I need more professional growth in the form of formal classes and seminars and also make myself available to join professional networking groups such as the young nonprofit professionals network (ynpn.org).  Beginning here will allow me to grow into the professional that I know is already inside of me.  Reading more and reseraching where national service is headed has helped a great deal.  It has forced me to narrow my focus and realize that I am very much interested in leading the charge among my peers to be change agents right where we are.